not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
