imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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