mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize