if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize