he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
