i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
