Your face is a jimmy john
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
