the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
