literally had 100 drinks last night.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
