i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
even my farts smell like vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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