I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Say something about gay babies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just puked most of my soul out..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
