Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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