K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
