He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
