areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
