My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You ruined the universe
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
