3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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