Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
