alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
