This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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