I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
