Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
