she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
