Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
