it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
