At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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