I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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