You're a womanizer and a bitch.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
