So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Im part way to drunk.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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