Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
