I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
