I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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