We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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