32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
