Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
