you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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