i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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