So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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