Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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