I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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