I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
