Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
