im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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