So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize