No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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