I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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