some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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