don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
