somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
