Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
