I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
