I wanna passion pit in your ass
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
