Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
