Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
