remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
