my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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