So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
