HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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