And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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