areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
