Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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