The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
