i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
