when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
