sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
