it's too hot outside to masturbate.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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