STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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