even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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