I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
