Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize