I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
