I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
